While there are many aspects of "being a hipster" that truly make me want to cut my balls off to distract myself from my disdain, I have finally figured out what I hate most about hipsters.
No, it's not that I am convinced most hipsters are from well-to-do suburbs, and that their bohemian lifestyle is undoubtedly subsidized by their corporate lawyer fathers. (By the way, don't get me wrong: I have no problem with corporate lawyers -- I just have a problem with who I presume to be some corporate lawyers' bullshit pseudo-intellectual, Sex Pistol-loving, smelly, NYU-attending, pretentious, temporarily-pierced, 4-years-away-from-moving-back-to-Fairfield, hipster kids).
And no, it's not that I am blown away by the irony of hipsters' "non-conformist" intentions. (I literally think it is impossible for a group of people to conform to each other's style and tastes more than hipsters do -- it's as though these assholes all simultaneously handed in their dignity for a standard issued pair of black jeans, pointy black shoes, and an ill-fitting 70s button-down).
What I hate most about hipsters is that many of them have the audacity to wear t-shirts that read "Anarchy," which brings me to the title of this post: the next time a hipster goes to his or her favorite second-hand East Village book store, because NYU's bookstore is too mainstream, that hipster should buy a dictionary.
Let me explain myself.
According to Dictionary.com, "anarchy" can simply be defined as "a state of society without government or law." Basically, anarchy defines a time and place where hipsters have absolutely zero chance of survival. If hipsters owned dictionaries, they would know this.
If hipsters owned dictionaries, they would know that if we lived in a state of anarchy, the first non-hipster that walked by a hipster on the street could rip the hipster's shoe off and shove it pointy-end first up the hipster's ass at will. There would be no possible consequence.
If hipsters owned dictionaries, they would know that if we lived in a state of anarchy, they would not be able to defend themselves because no one over 115 lbs is allowed to be a hipster; weighing more than 115 lbs would make it too difficult for the other pussy hipsters to conform to the "fat" hipsters image. Such a weight violation would disrupt the way of things, so hipsters diligently obey their limitations.
Why, might you ask, would a random non-hipster want to shove a pointy-toed shoe up a random hipster's ass? There are many reasons why.
Maybe it's because the non-hipster has always wanted to whoop the shit out of one of these pretentious hipster douche bags milling all around the city's super-chill coffee shops. Or, maybe the non-hipster is hoping to find the hipster's corporate lawyer father's credit card in the hipster's chain wallet.
I don't know, but either way, it doesn't really matter. What matters is that someone alert these retards to their retardation, because otherwise the hipsters of the world might get what they ask for: we might find ourselves in a state of anarchy, and all hipsters will find themselves sucking pole in side alleys just to stay alive.
Do your part: give a hipster a dictionary today.
No, it's not that I am convinced most hipsters are from well-to-do suburbs, and that their bohemian lifestyle is undoubtedly subsidized by their corporate lawyer fathers. (By the way, don't get me wrong: I have no problem with corporate lawyers -- I just have a problem with who I presume to be some corporate lawyers' bullshit pseudo-intellectual, Sex Pistol-loving, smelly, NYU-attending, pretentious, temporarily-pierced, 4-years-away-from-moving-back-to-Fairfield, hipster kids).
And no, it's not that I am blown away by the irony of hipsters' "non-conformist" intentions. (I literally think it is impossible for a group of people to conform to each other's style and tastes more than hipsters do -- it's as though these assholes all simultaneously handed in their dignity for a standard issued pair of black jeans, pointy black shoes, and an ill-fitting 70s button-down).
What I hate most about hipsters is that many of them have the audacity to wear t-shirts that read "Anarchy," which brings me to the title of this post: the next time a hipster goes to his or her favorite second-hand East Village book store, because NYU's bookstore is too mainstream, that hipster should buy a dictionary.
Let me explain myself.
According to Dictionary.com, "anarchy" can simply be defined as "a state of society without government or law." Basically, anarchy defines a time and place where hipsters have absolutely zero chance of survival. If hipsters owned dictionaries, they would know this.
If hipsters owned dictionaries, they would know that if we lived in a state of anarchy, the first non-hipster that walked by a hipster on the street could rip the hipster's shoe off and shove it pointy-end first up the hipster's ass at will. There would be no possible consequence.
If hipsters owned dictionaries, they would know that if we lived in a state of anarchy, they would not be able to defend themselves because no one over 115 lbs is allowed to be a hipster; weighing more than 115 lbs would make it too difficult for the other pussy hipsters to conform to the "fat" hipsters image. Such a weight violation would disrupt the way of things, so hipsters diligently obey their limitations.
Why, might you ask, would a random non-hipster want to shove a pointy-toed shoe up a random hipster's ass? There are many reasons why.
Maybe it's because the non-hipster has always wanted to whoop the shit out of one of these pretentious hipster douche bags milling all around the city's super-chill coffee shops. Or, maybe the non-hipster is hoping to find the hipster's corporate lawyer father's credit card in the hipster's chain wallet.
I don't know, but either way, it doesn't really matter. What matters is that someone alert these retards to their retardation, because otherwise the hipsters of the world might get what they ask for: we might find ourselves in a state of anarchy, and all hipsters will find themselves sucking pole in side alleys just to stay alive.
Do your part: give a hipster a dictionary today.
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